December 31, 1993 Friday 6:43 PM
((((Stay small. Keep all rights.))))
January 2, 1994 Sunday 11:00 PM
You can't leave your situation to get out of it.
January 5, 1994 Wednesday 10:38 PM
You ask such precious questions. Like who would ever want to read excerpts from my journal? And when asked if you wanted to read what I wrote to you, you say, "nah, that's the past." You're so precious. Sure, maybe when it was written was in the past, but what exists in paper in ink, right now, that you can read, right now, in the moment, is no different than striking the gong. After all, what is the written word? Nothing more than a reflection to the senses, like anything else, right? Mentality isn't a distraction, it is only an aspect of dimension. One can enjoy chess and still tango.
January 6, 1994 Thursday 11:07 PM
It is much easier to plan more than you can do.
January 19, 1994 Wednesday 10:33 PM
I fly the skies alone, no co-pilot, no radio, just seat-of-the- pants flying. So many people.
January 20, 1994 Thursday 1:29 AM
(((((How long ago was it that templates floated away?)))))
January 20, 1994 Thursday 4:58 PM
Look at time. "Ever watched clock hands sweep?" Patterns of sequence, some discernible, some not. Like it or not we are governed by the sequential nature of time. (For now.)
January 26, 1994 Wednesday 10:36 PM
Good luck, hang tough, and Ill leave you with a poem my Grandmother sent me a long time ago:
KEEP ON KEEP ON
If the day looks kinda gloomy,
and the chances kinda slim,
If the situation's puzzlin'
and the prospect awful grim,
an perplexities keep pressin'
till all hope is nearly gone--
Just bristle up and grit your teeth
an' keep on keepin' on.
January 28, 1994 Friday 12:20 PM
There is a flavor to the writing of a journal. How you place your date stamps, how you control your style tags.
February 6, 1994 Sunday 10:43 AM
(((((The only reason I came here in the first place was because I had nowhere else to go.)))))
February 6, 1994 Sunday 10:44 AM
Where do you go when you dismiss religion? How do you steer?
February 6, 1994 Sunday 10:50 AM
You are always limited to you being your only audience. mjm 10:52 AM 2/6/94
February 12, 1994 Saturday 6:13 PM
"When a lot of guys show up in ties making promises, I get nervous."
February 13, 1994 Sunday 12:34 PM
"The closer you get to showtime the harder it gets to show up." Reservoir Dogs
February 27, 1994 Sunday 9:42 PM
I think that the sub-conscious is not a place but a under- current. We struggle to get a sense of flow from what seems like moment to moment chaos. Our sub-conscious isn’t “working” so much as it is flowing, i.e. our will is swimming among the currents of time. Time is the river our will swims in and resists being limited by. (((((but how is it in the nature of the paint to seek to exist beyond the canvas?)))))
February 27, 1994 Sunday 10:06 PM
I guess your question to me is “How can you know?” and my question to you is “How can you pretend not to?”
February 27, 1994 Sunday 10:40 PM
Just say Yes or No, never limit yourself to a reason.
March 13, 1994 Sunday 6:22 PM
Never missed it. Never wrote in my journal. I wrote maybe 60 post cards. Looking at my life through the eyes of those I care about. More for me though. To get a view. To get a perspective. There’s a lot of perspective in the Virgin Islands.
March 13, 1994 Sunday 9:04 PM
The scope of the dream, the scope of the anchor, same thing.
March 20, 1994 Sunday 11:44 AM
Quicken and Tyin shove the log aside. Demanding their due. But when I get panicky, it is because there is never anyone to talk to who can understand the dilemma I face. I must face it alone and make the best of it. The way I make the best of it is to come here, to my log and try to get a handle. Usually the only handle that works. It’s nice when you can listen to yourself and hear something.
April 3, 1994 Sunday 7:21 PM
Life presses out into so many faces.
April 3, 1994 Sunday 7:21 PM
“Weather causes reproduction.”
April 3, 1994 Sunday 9:27 PM
I wonder if you will finally come to see the genius in it, The Hermit’s journal and it’s expression of the vehicle which makes it possible?
April 10, 1994 Sunday 12:00 PM
True encounters with life can be the most humbling. Just read The Bridges of Madison County and I see why so many like it, not just because it is a good story, but because the story is true, the kind of story we all live with, either carrying our past or our future.
April 10, 1994 Sunday 2:35 PM
“What a man does flies on the wings of a woman’s will.” mjm
April 15, 1994 Friday 5:06 PM
(((((Do you believe in your self our don’t you?)))))
April 15, 1994 Friday 5:06 PM
First time I hit a five (parens) in a long time.
April 21, 1994 Thursday 9:31 PM
He existed more within, beyond attachment to the physical plane. It is a plane that flies where it wills. (((within the plane it tries to fly in)))
April 22, 1994 Friday 12:41 AM
Baptism symbolizes the arrival of spirit into individuality. Once identified as a spirit it is up to you whether you maintain the identity. Sort of like arriving at being rich, except you arrive at being eternal.
April 25, 1994 Monday 9:00 AM
Dad always ran his money, he never let his money run him.
April 30, 1994 Saturday 1:32 PM
You’ve forgiven your self ...to be forgiven for the isolation of experience that you can’t help.
April 30, 1994 Saturday 1:34 PM
People are attracted to anyone who has forgiven themselves for the isolation which experience brings.
May 4, 1994 Wednesday 9:39 PM
He always said of her, “She has a long reach and a deep bite.” (((As in oaring.)))
May 16, 1994 Monday 8:31 PM
(((((Do I have to follow a path to get to where you go?))))) If I do then I question the value, because to get anywhere only requires being here. Part of being here is projection, awareness of the sense of passage of time.
May 18, 1994 Wednesday 9:47 AM
You build something really valuable. It is there in the flesh.
May 19, 1994 Thursday 7:31 PM
Will is a mysterious mistress.
June 3, 1994 Friday 12:11 PM
The toughest part of finishing a thought is letting go of it once it is over. A thought is just an event; it takes consciousness to make a stream. (smile)
June 4, 1994 Saturday 3:01 PM
This log is so insane, but it kept my sanity–whatever sense there is of it.
June 4, 1994 Saturday 3:05 PM
A sense of sanity.
June 4, 1994 Saturday 3:07 PM
Just one more day at the beach, Zac. Side Out
June 7, 1994 Tuesday 4:14 PM
Consciousness carries its own risks.
June 7, 1994 Tuesday 4:15 PM
Anchor here and reach out from there.
June 8, 1994 Wednesday 1:00 AM
All I have to show for my life is what I’ve written. The rest you will have to get from what I gave to those I loved. What I have written is not as important as how I wrote it because you can write it that way too–holding overwhelming feelings at arms length by distracting your self into seeking works to put to the feelings, even though the effort never changed the feelings. In many ways writing became the escape I used instead of walking the rail road tracks near Campion late at night. So you lose your dream and you die; you live your dream and you die anyway. Somehow life is different when you believe in your dream, just like life is so much more when you are in love and get a chance to share it.
June 24, 1994 Friday 4:36 PM
I have this ability to be with someone so present in the moment that they don’t consider that I can only do it for brief spurts at a time and infrequently at that.
July 3, 1994 Sunday 9:32 AM
Why has the lesson always been the same? No one can help, no amount of talking matters, you live alone and you have to make your own way.
July 18, 1994 Monday 8:34 AM
I’m lost. I don’t know what to do next. (Except, be still...and listen)
July 18, 1994 Monday 8:35 AM
There was a time when all I did was come to write, to listen, to try to understand. Now I get so distracted, with keystrokes that don’t mean anything. That have no “thrust” behind them.
July 23, 1994 Saturday 7:12 PM
“the purpose always destroyed the process.” mjm
July 23, 1994 Saturday 7:12 PM
“At the desperate edge of lonely you cut out your own heart, and there ain’t no cure.” Sonja
July 28, 1994 Thursday 11:46 PM
(((((the immediacy of mind)))))
July 29, 1994 Friday 12:45 AM
Defining characteristics are what you wouldn’t do that some one else would.
August 6, 1994 Saturday 11:46 AM
(((((The writing was the only hope.))))) ((((The only company in a desert of aloneness. I’m sorry, I more than anyone would wish it differently, but how can I share with you just how isolated is my experience?))))
August 6, 1994 Saturday 11:50 AM
To live is to suffer fools; but to let fools control how you live is to really suffer.
August 14, 1994 Sunday 10:55 AM
“If we understood the enigmas of life there would be no need for the arts.” Jack Lemmon
August 14, 1994 Sunday 11:19 PM
I’m back to here, in this journal, as alone and frustrated and angry as ever. What is it about me? What makes it so difficult? I can neither embrace nor disengage.
August 14, 1994 Sunday 11:24 PM
The journal got off track when it got personal. It is a distraction, really, to address any specific other. All there is, is in here, and out there. Why am I so close to what is in here and so far from what is out there?
October 17, 1994 Monday 9:19 AM
The gift that keeps on giving, whether you want it to or not: the creative thrust of will.
October 17, 1994 Monday 10:34 AM
You have to do in order to have so you’ll be.
October 18, 1994 Tuesday 9:18 PM
Recent write-downs: Life is a one way street and it is definitely a dead end. She picks her teeth with guys. What makes it convenient now will only make it a burden later. “The best way to learn is to go through the process.” Troy on Star Trek Attitude readjustment Sanctimonious asshole The burden fall to those who bear it.
October 20, 1994 Thursday 11:37 PM
((((The perception of the current, but not being able to look upstream, is so infuriating.))))
October 22, 1994 Saturday 1:11 PM
I got into the writing of the journal because I couldn’t keep my mind on any one thing long enough to have it matter. So the journal lets me capture the moment and sort it out later.
October 22, 1994 Saturday 1:13 PM
The datestamps indicate you have lost your target and taking aiming.
October 22, 1994 Saturday 1:14 PM
...or that you have moved on.
October 22, 1994 Saturday 1:17 PM
And then you come back from being lost in thought and you wonder how it happened.
October 22, 1994 Saturday 1:33 PM
The world is what it is, all I can do is my stuff. If it helps you live better (isn’t that what we all want — to help make our way by helping others make theirs?) then I do appreciate your business.
October 23, 1994 Sunday 9:59 AM
It sad when you look at your life as a parody of your self.
October 26, 1994 Wednesday 8:39 PM
We are all going to be in the business of processing information. I transmit grouped by style sheet tag, (which can be a subject, or a person) It is one way; it is not interactive.
October 26, 1994 Wednesday 8:45 PM
I hate smug PC users, who lord what they know over others, rather than accept part of the burden for bringing others along.
October 29, 1994 Saturday 11:37 AM
Glimpses of one’s own self that come so close are rare. Why is it always more appealing in another than what we judge to be within?
October 30, 1994 Sunday 10:28 PM
Do I really want to live this way? Alone? I don’t know that alone is so bad as much as limited access intimacy. That’s the head twister.
November 10, 1994 Thursday 12:34 PM
You have to learn the score before you can play the music. mjm
November 21, 1994 Monday 9:33 PM
“I’m a low watt, old bulb.”
November 26, 1994 Saturday 7:59 AM
I come to write in my journal when I don’t have anyone else to talk to and I need to talk to someone – badly. The irony is, though, that I end up hearing my self, which is far more important than talking to anyone. I talk with others, address style tags, as a means of disguising my internal dialogue. (or distracting my self from the internal dialogue) I rarely format beyond the capabilities of style tag designation. To italicize and bold words or phrases is lost within the publishing template when you reset the log to normal.
November 26, 1994 Saturday 8:06 AM
Different people live in your head, people you talk to (whether real or imagined) occupy space in your brain. (((Would we really let it go if we could?)))
November 26, 1994 Saturday 8:07 AM
The process of keeping a log is not a matter of events, but of a means to stay connected with your self.
November 26, 1994 Saturday 9:33 AM
You know, when I think about it, it’s been a great life, not without suffering, but because what came from the suffering. Some sense of internal calm, from the panic driven by the god- within. We experience life far too personally when really it is just a waltz with time. An expression of the abstract in the concrete.
November 27, 1994 Sunday 10:07 AM
There is something about consciousness that accepts you can’t stand outside the flow. That what is happening won’t be grasped with intellect alone.
December 5, 1994 Monday 8:32 AM
Cat says, “What is acceptable becomes the norm.”
December 11, 1994 Sunday 1:14 PM
Broadcast. That has been my message all along. What to do and how to get there. Broadcast what you want and do it autonomously.
December 12, 1994 Monday 8:37 AM
I thought it was tough before, and it was only scrimmage.
December 14, 1994 Wednesday 12:24 PM
Consciousness expands, so you let it.
December 14, 1994 Wednesday 12:25 PM
“Going out of business” means “If I could just make enough money on this sale I’d be going out of business.” mjm
December 16, 1994 Friday 8:53 AM
The nature of the game is survival. The way to win has generally included autonomy. Developing autonomy is my business profession. In electrons, in carbon.
December 16, 1994 Friday 3:58 PM
Pay no attention to what makes up the flow; pay attention to the flow.