The Hermit's Journal Excerpts (April 16, 1987 --December 14, 1987)

April 16, 1987 6:02 PM

Wow! Here I am, back at last, into electrons in my own den. I can't get over how much difference it makes, having your own PC processing information in your own house.

April 17, 1987 8:39 AM

It is so calming, coming here, having a place to extend my self outward, a place to work in quiet and uninterruption. I read the book Three Magic Words in the morning along with eating my Grape Nuts and wonder why I can't assimilate the truth that is obviously being offered there. It seems I refuse to ask for help from outside, yet I refuse to treat my self. Refuse to forgive myself, refuse to release my self from the guilt of past sins. Why do I hide in my efforts to escape embracing my self and all the rest that is real and beautiful?

April 18, 1987 8:48 AM

Yesterday one of my client's is ready to go buy Lotus because it is a common interface with so much other software. He said it wasn't the spreadsheet that was so important as it was the common base. Jeez. When I suggested Framework his old prejudice surfaced against Ashton-Tate and he wouldn't listen. Why won't people listen? I told him that a unified command structure with an open environment is what matters for getting the most results. But it went right by. And I wonder why I bother.

April 18, 1987 9:30 AM

To understand PCs you have to mix together two things--the basic parts and how they work together. The basic parts are the files, desktop, filing cabinets, and secretary. The most important thing to know about how they work together is what happens when you turn the machine on. Just like in a car, you don't put it into gear before you start the engine, you don't start using a computer before you get it going.

When you turn on a computer the same sequence of events happens every time. Or at least it tries to. So if you know what is supposed to be happening, when it doesn't you'll know what to do to correct the situation. Make it easy on yourself, learn the sequence and feel like you know how to drive your PC like you know how to drive your car.

April 19, 1987 8:06 AM

I just finished Three Magic Words. Since I got back from Cancun and finally found the book I usually read it while having breakfast. A good way to start off the day, sort of as a meditation.

I've been struggling lately. Her fault, my fault, nobody's fault, life doesn't always work out the way you want it to. Why is that, if we are all god? I guess it's due to limitations we have when our awareness is bounded by our ego.

I've come to only write when I'm connected, inspired by the god within. That is good in some ways, bad in others. Because others, namely my parents, instilled in me the goal of happiness, and showed me that happiness lies not in success or fortune, I paid a great deal of attention to what made me happy. And always I was drawn to one thing, writing. I tried writing stories; I tried writing screenplays. That wasn't what made me happy. Writing my thoughts in a stream of consciousness made me happy. As though the effort made me closer to my self and that made me happy. After sharing some of that stream with others it seems that what I write also helps them get closer to their selves. And that makes me happier yet, that in the sharing of the effort the reward extends beyond myself to the universal self that lies in others.

So all this is to remind my self how I got to where I am, what my heading is, how I came by my heading, why I want to smile because I have come so far in reaching for that which makes me happy. And now, I want to focus on what I'm doing, trying to be happy, and do a better job of it. I'm not driven by shoulds, or shallow satisfactions (?), but something that I can grow with in every way. Spiritually, financially, emotionally. And if I stay clear about how I got here, why I came this way, and what my heading is, I'll do much better at my job-- making my self happy.

April 19, 1987 10:19 AM

To bring out the best in you is to bring out the god in you. Let god go, let him out, find your motivation in being more godly than more animalistic.

Everyone is waiting for windows in order to be able to jump from one environment to another.

If it is true that so many of my ideas are ahead of their time, then I want to relax because by the time I get around to making them happen they will be well received.

Framework is significant because it gives the user a unified command structure in an open environment within a closet-sized memory.

April 19, 1987 10:53 AM

Body work that doesn't emerge from an idea isn't worth doing. To do body work only to achieve an external effect isn't efficient, isn't pure, isn't healthy.

May 9, 1987 9:41 AM

Now that is hot! Been gone from electrons for months, boot up Framework, pause, think for a moment, Press ALT-L, and "Voila"--here I am.

May 9, 1987 10:28 AM

"Here's a chance to make something significant to your dyin'." Paladin

May 9, 1987 12:08 PM

Looking for what you expect to see in size of file is a helpful filter when looking for a file by name.

May 18, 1987 3:50 AM

Turn your system on when you need it, then leave it on till you leave, or go to bed. I leave mine on all the time.

Writing really is the theme of my life. I can't help it, I just feel good doing it. It's such a battle to overcome embarrassment at what I offer others. Are stories the only thing you can be proud of?

May 18, 1987 3:56 AM

Know the benefits of maintaining a log, with a time and date stamp on a keystroke.

May 19, 1987 9:15 AM

There is a basic sequence that happens in the computer every time you turn it on. At least know the names of the two main checkpoints--CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT. Every time you turn it on, you know what is going to happen.

Filing cabinets! What good is streamlined electronic information processing if it's confusion in paper before, and fades quickly to confusion afterward?

May 19, 1987 10:20 AM

Do deaf people dance?

May 23, 1987 6:44 AM

The party is over. Such a letdown. Such a relief. And now there is water in the pool. And a new routine lurking around the corner.

Remember vision quest. Don't give up yours.

May 24, 1987 2:20 AM

When you learn DOS, learn what you need to know to create keyboard macros. Feeling comfortable with DOS-level macros gives you power, also confidence, and a basic understanding of what memory is and how memory resident software affects your operating environment.

June 21, 1987 7:55 AM Sunday

I have so much to do. So good to be back at a keyboard. (Or a mouse, I guess. Actually, what I mean is back to my self--writing again.)

I think everyone's mind skips along, picking up bits and pieces that make sense(or sinks in) and when we meet another, or want to, it is because we feel that by interacting with them we would grow a lot. "I want to grow! I don't want to die." Don't we all? Isn't that what this is all about?

(((((The alphabet, the ultimate sequence.))))) ((And oh yea, by the way, it's nice to know that I can still type.))

(((((I love it when a smile motivates me to action.)))))

"Buried in the sand, under the umbrella, you will find what you are looking for" said the stranger to the little girl standing beside him. Not so little really, maybe 14, no, make that 12, but a very mature twelve."

"What umbrella?" she said, and waited patiently for an answer.

The strange thing about all this is that they were standing on 5th Avenue in New York.

(((((I have only lust for women. I can offer them no more. Why are they such distraction as an item? As a group? It's me and women, waugh jeez!))))) Could it be the level of self awareness? Could it be the indulgence of self awareness? Could it be the greed of wanting indiscriminate use of another's attention? Yes.

The nice thing about tape is that by necessity it is a listening media. If you are not listening you have no chance of hearing the message.

The third elephant was to the left in the picture...

The reason to go on vacation is to get a chance to tell a person who you think you are. It is important to hang on to who you came to tell people you were. It gives you that much of an edge when trying to make good on your representation.

Operating systems are how things work. Physics is a view of how things work; so is meta-physics; so is religion; and government; and family. I'm interested in making dramatic improvements in performance by taking awareness through a paradigm shift.

Time frames, expectations, money, and the validity of expectations. Fitting in to other peoples expectations, perspectives.

Tan arms, and now the keys. Why is it so natural for me to come here and deposit my soul?

What do I want to do? I want to stay closer to my body work. Stay more balanced. Get up early in the morning. Write more. Publish! Get number 5 out.

I write about transformational awareness. That is, being aware that transformations occur, allows you to control the transformation. A novel, she wants me to write a novel. And I get lost thinking about it. It seems like such a huge undertaking. So start small, with short stories. Get used to the structure and then embellish. The beginning, middle, and end. What is happening around the protagonist? What the protagonist does in reaction to the situation, and then the results to his action.

How about a story about John, who is working in the dying industry of automobiles and gets laid off. The story is about what he does to achieve his dream in reaction to getting laid off. And it is a love story. She is rich, he is not. No, they both are from wealthy families, but he... see? I get all confused.

If I were to tell a story it would be about transformational awareness and paradigm shifts, and what it takes to make them work for you. What does it take to make a paradigm shift work for you? What is the theme of the novel? What is the message I want to get across? Stay tied to your enthusiasm, strive to understand the general, participate in life but don't try to dominate it.You have to choose your characters, you have to choose everything. What if I started from the top and worked down? What if I wrote it like I expand outlines in Framework? Humm, maybe Framework is in my life because this is the tool that I need to write fiction. Anything other than the spontaneity of my journal.

But what about happiness? Doing just what it is that makes me happy? What about information? What about my efforts? What about my organization? (Always the press to make it all happen at once.) There is something in my novel about pacing your self. Pacing your efforts. So to illuminate it I need characters that show the extremes and the ideal. The over achiever, the underachiever, and the "be"er.You see, maybe I'm crazy, but the spontaneous output without molding is the beauty of journal writing. Sure there are holes, but surely your imagination can fill them. Come with me, read my comments and look out there to what I am pointing to. Do you see it? How does it look to you? What is different? What is the same?

The power of our imagination, the power of imagination, what is imagination?

Plato was right, the world does exist as some perfect form. And all (((((no sense in nothingness))))) our senses confirm the presence of harmony, isn't that what senses are--harmonies?

So our senses develop to the point where our awareness of our senses makes us try to see over the horizon of our collective experience. What else is there? How good can it get? How long can it last? (((((How long can it last? Now there's a good one, huh?)))))

Always the question is: "How long can it last?" And always the answer is: "It does not last."Expecting it to come from hearing fairy tales that end: ...and they lived happily ever after.

The number 8 is important to PC's for several reasons:
It is the number of switches in a byte.
A byte is used to determine a letter in the alphabet.
It is the limiting factor in the number of letters in an ASCII alphabet--256.

For some reason 256 is the widest number of characters that can exist in the ASCII file. The biggest place this makes a difference is in word processing when you start taking files from one word processing environment to another. Before printing a file into ASCII, set the margins at 0 and 255 (or as large as you can get). Pull the file into the new environment and reset your margins to your desired width.

You see this way is so much fun.

I hate being so pressed for money, but the only way to have any is to save it, not to spend it. What did I do with ten thousand dollars? I spent it.

Some men stand on their accomplishments, others stand on their dreams.

My head has really been out of its natural orbit, whatever natural is. And can you wonder? Traveling for a month will do anyone in.

Such a difference--losing your man to god versus losing him to another woman.

The software doesn't matter, it's the operator. The success of the company often depends upon who the operator is, so define the attitude.

(((((The life that you lead is etched in stone.)))))

(((((I come here, to the act of writing, to clear up some RAM. To get it out of me (or try to) and in the process, in the effort of expression, somehow consolidate enough of the detail to feel like I've got room to develop more.))))) (Interesting though that in this case it is not the quality of the structure--sequence, but the utilization of a limited amount of space most efficiently. Natural plateaus will be within the realm of 640 K, then 16 megs, then whatever. Anyway, as the processor goes, so goes the performance plateaus.

There will be times when you turn on your Laserjet just to hear it come to life.

And so I come here to consolidate, so that I might have more time for processing the joys of life.

June 29, 1987 5:19 PM Monday

Always the conversation is within. People become the targets of our projected images. Some people are better than others at reflecting what we want to see, how we want to see it, who we want to see it by. Does it matter? Seems to. Shame.

So what happens when a reflection of fantasy walks into your life with hot flesh and blood? ... Broadens the choice, naturally. And detail consolidates itself. So complicate the issue to simplify.

Never forget that you are playing cards where only rarely do you get to deal.

Grandma, this whole thing has me really scared. At least my first instinct is fear. I fear I do wrong by not over-riding my feelings with my mind. But am I? Is it possible that we all have a path before us, awaiting our footsteps?

The ultimate high is always between you and your self. With you and the god within. It's "the" god within, because that which is the god in you is the same as that which is the god in me. So to the extent that I know my god within, I know your god within. What I can never know or fully understand is your relationship with your god. There is no way a man can stand between another man and his god. They may kill him in the middle of a yawn, but they can never stand in the middle.

July 3, 1987 10:04 AM

Alex, zapped by lightening. "Alex!" "Come back!" "It's OK."

This isolation is too much! The level of intimacy is too great, like choosing to stay connected to an electrical shock.

Life, lives, all are an expression of the will we all share in common, operating systems, autonomy.

The story of my life tells of a journey through awareness. From the mindless purity of youth through the canyons and valleys of belief structures, each with their own perspective. What does it matter? It only seems that when men seek power, no...that's not right either. The nature of life is that it is.

A story, what kind of story? Do I really want a story? Writing a story is work. Work is work. Publish Mike. What you need to do is publish. For everyone's sake. It doesn't matter any more. The grave awaits us all. What we do while we're here can only add up to so much, so why not give it your best shot? Then we get into what is my best shot? And off we go again into what makes your best shot? Is it the one you are most comfortable with, or is it the one you are trying to make real from your imagination?

I still don't have a system of my own yet. Maybe I won't ever. Ever is from now until I'm done.

It's as though you only have so much space within your bubble. Maybe it's a bubble determined by time and depth trade-offs. How well you know somebody takes time. To maintain.

You never know when god's cheeks are filled with the puff of air that will blow out your candle. It really is here, the pleasure of being here, confirming, listening, always listening.

I love being skeevey, and being honest about it. Problem is, you are limited in one by how much you are of the other.

The funny thing is that I read the ZEN poem and I understand. I feel so new in self-awareness, like I had just left Brother Gillick's room the afternoon he pulled the light cord on self-awareness. The edge, the shaft, the split moment between being active and reflective. Between being and awareness. For being is un-aware. You can't be and be aware simultaneously. Hence--leadership is blind.

Being masculine.
Feminine awareness.
(Get my drift?)

And every once in a while the joy of the experience comes back to me. Here, right now, when the keys are hot and the effort is a joy to exert. (But you can't stay there. I just lost it myself, like a bird diving into the water for it's nourishment--it can only stay so long before it must return to the surface. I get my ideas down here. Good stuff, good grist for the mill. It is difficult to give up your catalyst. Hemingway, me and the boys.

Back on a plane again so soon, and for such different reasons. What about last night? Good time with Ottavia--balancing.

July 14, 1987 10:29 AM Tuesday

You got it bad.
Worse than aides.
With aides you get to die.
This, you gotta live with.

Our obligation is to be happy in this life. When we're not happy we aren't growing. Not growing means dying.

Writing is not a matter of knowing how, it is a matter of having something to say. The quality of what you write is limited by the quality of what you have to say.

You either rape or be raped, there is no room for flirtation.

What do women watch? Really? Time, of course. You silly, we are all pressed against the clock. "The ravages of time" is no joke. Are no joke.

(((((Betty Blue keeps rolling through my mind.)))))

Life is not a freeway, but an asteroid field. Survival is not so much a matter of getting there fast as it is avoiding collision along the way.

It is easy to lose track of your inner voice when so many others compete.

Relationships, what is the structure of revealing relationships in a story? What they do, what they say, what happens.

"The only two things that limit you are time and the amount of money you can borrow." JM

If awareness is a focal nexus, and focusing comes from whirlpooling motion...

I miss not having a PC, what to do next, what to do next.

The point is not tall or short, focusing on height dilutes the issue, each of us is unique. Unique genes, unique experience, unique will. Autonomous will, free will.

Whoever the French philosopher was who said, "If your life bores you, risk it" knew what he was talking about.

You must listen to your body, if you let your mind push, you'll hurt your self.

A the new romance builds upon the old, but the old never gets to build upon the new.

Somehow there is a place where who you are and what you are and where you are and what is happening all makes sense. If you really tie into the nature of your existence here is a connection to be in, or with, a place that let's you release all expectations. To do nothing, yet leave nothing undone.

The thrill of existence is participation, participation for the sake of it--is pure union. ((Why am I so afraid to reach out, to make things happen?))

Each of us is on a mission from god. That mission is called life. We're all trying to live. Who we are and what we can be is tied up in all of life. Trouble is, there is such pressure, such competition for life that there exists conflict--usually set up as being between good and evil. The fact is, the conflict is between who gets the good and who gets the evil.

My printer breaks, can you believe it? I mean really, can you believe it? Can you fucking believe it?! "Inside, Outside"

The thing we end up learning when we get involved with computers is how information gets processed. Not only with computers , but all information. So study how information is processed in general and you have an intrinsic understanding of how computers work. It is a classic example of needing one in order to more fully understand the other.

It is easy to lose your feelings of mystique for the place you live. Look at the postcards of your area. Now be someone from far away where things are quite different.

Don't minimize the impact of a paradigm shift. Instead, maximize the advantage. The equipment will do wonders to the limit of the operators ability to make it happen. So if you must take your information stream into electrons, buy the best hardware based upon where you want to get to in electrons, then find or train people to challenge their ability to make use of what is in front of them.

July 21, 1987 3:28 PM

Funny isn't it? That the feminine side of the spectrum presses the masculine side for answers, a stand, anything for a landmark or buoy. Am I going to end up with nothing? Will I be suffering like I didn't know was possible? Or is this all an illusion? Shit, I don't know.

July 22, 1987 11:12 AM

Show me your vision of worst posture. Close your eyes in front of the mirror, stand close, and then assume the posture that feels the worst. Then open your eyes and see what you look like from the outside. Now close your eyes again and reach for the best possible posture by what feels good. (How can you tell, what do you use in your mind as a vision or idea of what you are reaching for? Does it matter? Will your feelings of what feels best win out in the end?) Creative visualization.

How do you feel when you elongate your spine?

The fluid complexion of awareness is the greatest fascination.

July 24, 1987 11:11 PM

What happens? What brings commitment into focus?

I teach people how to maintain their journal in electrons. Not their daytimer, their log. There is a big difference.

If you are your attitude then look deep to your soul for what you feel.

The elevator door opens to a beautiful girl elegantly dressed. His expression shows deep delightful recognition.

Her arm stayed straight as it rose with gun in hand

She shoots him.

The hospital waiting room. (The raincoated detective talking to the girl coming after. (Not yet for this. It isn't a who done it.) Do they know how it happened? As though you show up at the hospital a friend, wanting to know what happened. The hero then becomes the whore rather than the whoremaster. Caroline goes through the transformation to come to see Michael for what he truly is and that she shot him for what he couldn't be to her. Realizing this she hopes for his recovery to seek forgiveness. He does by not revealing her identity.

The opening of the movie shows the development of the two characters that eventually meet, right after Directed By: (((The need to know why she blasted him))) They were so right for each other. The relationships reveal a network, not so much family.

She is saying nothing, it was his gun and she was wearing gloves so there were no finger prints. He wasn't expecting her, and the woman about to join him, good friend or lover not obvious. Libby, comes out of the elevator and finds him.

After she shoots him once, her arm falls back to her side the gun slides from her hand and startles her when the sound of it hitting the marble floor pierces the new found silence. She slumps against the wall, as she is sinking we cut to the rising elevator and the door opening to show the shock of Libby. Then to hospital. The look in Michael's eyes didn't waver, "I'm sorry officer, I don't remember. All I can remember is my chest and thinking how appropriate the phrase was--"to stop a bullet".

August 3, 1987 10:00 AM

So much happens, sand through open hands. And how do you tell someone that it's only a blow job? You don't, you just go on and try not to get run over by those who don't know yet.

Writing is such a thing. Like Children of a Lessor God, and media of communication communion. Getting in touch with your self. Being your self, having there be no division between who you are and how you act. It is so easy to be untrue.

I want to write. And only when I feel like it. Jeez, what a jerk huh? But it's not that feeling like it is enough. It is having something to say. Because when I have something to say I am growing, coming to learn more about my self, synthesizing more of who I want to be.

August 4, 1987 9:54 AM

I feel like I'm not doing enough to make things happen. No planning, no preparation, no execution. (And yet it is all coming together.) The pressure of having it all come together, to make the money work out, to do it alone, to have so much support, from Dad, from Mom.

August 5, 1987 9:44 AM

These mornings seem to start out so aimless. No direction, no goals, or too many directions, too many goals, whatever. Being sick and coughing like a madman doesn't help either.

August 7, 1987 12:21 AM

Pressed to write, pressed to come here. Can I do it? Is there any connection to be had?

I'm in my office and my machine isn't here. I miss having my own electrons. I can't work, I can't think, I can't create. When I told Kim yesterday on the way to the airport that I had lost all my confidence, that I had given it all away, my eyes teared, as though the truth was too difficult to bear.

Body work happens like the rest of the universe--in two directions at once. On the tightrope reaching from the lower back isn't enough, you have to lift up in your lower abdominals as well. Why? Because to extend from your lower back you have to wrap around your hips in order to get the extension. You aren't bending two sticks together; you are uncoiling a pinwheel.(((((Think of it, your own room at any club you choose, with a system there, and you teach classes. Think of the life-style! Think of the money. Think of the people.)))))

It was a blank! The doors close, camera on him and you realize that he is powder burned from the nearness of the blast but not dead. He makes great effort to reach up to the 23rd floor button because he knows that is his only source of help. She did it to try and convince him to marry her. Why? Because she is telling him that if she can't have you nobody can. Does he end up with her? What happens next?

A single flower, a daisy, elegant greenery, a blue ceramic holder--a twisted rectangle maybe seven inches high. And such a surprise to find out who it's from Expecting support and getting romance.

There is always an element of time when considering the truth. Namely, how soon are you ready to tell your new girlfriend that you have slept with your old one?

There is something so elegant about writing what you hear. The act is one of translator, so you are released from the burden of explaining what you hear.

And all to often, I forget that what I like to do is type. To use my fingers and thumbs to perform a useful function--freezing thought to paper and ink. Solidifying electrons(to create a window of electrons)

To spread yourself thin, ... what does that mean?

The wizard is enslaved by his vision, for he is so taken with it that all his attention is focused on making it real.

August 10, 1987 8:32 AM

It is tough to act like you have money when you don't.

I get so discouraged...then Father Aspenlighter comes to mind saying that it's time to pull up my little rubber panties and get back into the ball game. Time to go take a shower and get in front of electrons.

July 27, 1987 10:36 AM

I have some ideas on what is important for a person who wants to become familiar with the use of personal computers. Taking you from knowing nothing to feeling comfortable in a meeting full of computer experts. I mean let's be honest, the detail has to work out, but commanding the general drift is what matters. Conceptualization of the key issues, usually tied to some monetary value as a means of perspective, is what really matters, especially when dealing in that part of the spectrum involved in a paradigm shift. A tangent curve, approaching but never reaching, anywhere.

The point is that in the rising culture the bottleneck to participating in the culture is the individual's familiarity in dealing with information in electrons, and doing so all alone. It is the all alone part that seems so threatening, but if you turn the all alone part into a strength instead of a weakness, it can be a formidable strength that will make you an active member of the rising culture. And in demand for power and prestige , the power to raise a family, or to tend to another's education.

The prestige of helping others who follow behind you adapt to the new situation.

The news is such a stabilizing paradigm, that's why everyone watches it.

This is Tuesday, August 11th, 1987 3:07 PM What a day!

Wordperfect is easier to say than the name of your product. What is the name of your product? My recommendation? Change it to Words. We put the "s" in Words for sizzle. Words by Microsoft.

Reality is an after-thought. Lying is so wrong because it takes all your effort just to keep the truth together. Going off believing in a lie for your own gain or avoidance of pain only weakens your position.

The reason I started winning at chess is that I learned to dance, and to bring more of my pieces into simpatico before I try anything.

Sometimes opportunity knocks with a strong hand.

August 13, 1987 6:01 PM

Just after the NBC Nightly News. Their ending story on the harmonic convergence, done so eloquently, offering such hope to our self fulfilled prophecy.

Why does resolving your relational availability always take up such time? More and more I sympathize with men of a monastic bend. Not to worry our selves with such matters. Do women resent men in the priesthood any more than men resent women in the sisterhood?

Religion divides by sex.

From his pocket he drew a clear credit card, and inserted it in the slot of the money wall. No sooner did it go in than out it came and he put the card back in his pocket as he started making choices from the screen. No, no choices.

The card goes in and money comes out. To the limit, to the highest limit. Simple, card goes in--money comes out. Every electron wizard needs one.

My little gallery over here. Why are they there? An audience? Something to draw me out? Something that turns your head. Isn't that what we are looking for? Spin? Something that causes rotation?

How nice it is to go from stone to stone instead of building a bridge.

It amazes me what we conjure up to distract us from the true process at hand.

("When you sit in the peanut gallery sit up high with good view, later your foolish self will need the perspective.")

Blast, boom, bah, ... .... ....

Introduce a favorite sequence to a more favorable time slot.

I've got to get cracking on the next tape. External commands and tree structured directories.

Listening to something and reading it are different media inputs.

The synthesis of sensation becomes awareness. A duality within the Whole. You want to be able to operate your computer like you drive your car or use your body. You are after results, and those results are usually in the form of paper and ink. So let's keep that in mind as one of the characteristics of our overall goal.

Maybe it's that you don't see what the principle is that you're living by until you deviate from it or apply the principle with different players.

August 17, 1987 9:47 AM

Modonna singing "Crazy for You." Catching up with yesterday hoping to make the most of today. Still, I don't get up as an alarm clock. All their faces melting into one look of recognition. Such an unusual ambience, such an unusual group for me to be walking among. Tall and thin, small and tight.

What's important is that you drive your car. You may not know how to get where you want to go, but you'll be able to try to get there on your own, and if you get lost you'll always know how to get back to solid ground.

No, you won't just get to it. If you do it all now you won't have to get to it later. As I was saying.. (((((Scared, really scared, that I'm headed out on a limb, scared of not getting the recognition I need to at least get along with my life. In electrons, in bodywork.)))))

The key is to interface well with belief structures that conflict with yours.

Good or bad, what is it that drives me on so?

Why do we act out plays? So they might help us with the play we cannot escape--life?

Life is so big.

A whore is someone who expects nothing from the future.

Those who enjoy breaking the ice usually don't stick around to watch it melt.

I have reasons for the things I do. I press the envelope, true. But isn't it of value to try to make the most of what you have to work with? So show more faith! I'll get there, lord knows that I'm having fun trying.

What do you get when you press two sequences together? A zipper.

What kills me is that women think they have their end of the spectrum tied up and that men will universally be at that much of an added disadvantage as women take on more masculine behavior. How silly, and I find how vulnerable the woman who is supposed to find a man that sees through her facade.

And all the writing, done here in paper and ink, and the time it is going to take to get it into electrons and edit.

If work is work then when you work why not work alone if it's supposed to take all your attention?

August 19, 1987 1:32 AM

Something about the difference between the number one and the number zero--one is a straight line, zero is out-there and in-here.

August 22, 1987 1:38 AM

The irony in wanting to have an impact with enthusiasm is that you are limited by how well you process information. (No matter what the subject, in its grittier form it means processing information.)

PCs are personal. And a unified command structure need is gelling rapidly. The library in Framework. Stephen J. Crannel, he knows what works--he knows what people like to watch on television.

What ever blows your hair back. Whatever you feel is part of the experience. See, the mistake is to think that what you think matters, when all that really counts is what you do.

I live in there, in the kudzu, unattached but in there.

There's a rose bush in my back yard, everything else is weeds.

The forgotten dream haunted me...for years I could not sleep. Tonight was no different--sweaty palms. You know what is funny, all those notes, that suitcase of my journal that could be read into an optical scanner.

A PC is a lot like a wild beast, more lion than horse, and if you can tame it, it will carry you far and fast and long into the night. (((((Are my fingers any different than people when they impulsively reach for a key before the appropriate time.)))))

"You might be able to spoil me enough to have me put up with you."

How do you work at something that is inspirational?

Maybe that's why fiction is something that you work at, because work is work.

It can be the ability to track information related to your enthusiasm that allows you to engage your enthusiasm.

The Zen of personal computing has to do with attitude, how you approach your involvement with electrons. ((And I always feel my self circling around unified command structures and spinal integrity.))

A man stands alone, in the center of his universe, stamping his will on history. As soon as you destroy the linearization of time you expand the conceptualization of awareness, and action.

What is there to know about time and suffering until you've been there. Once you're there how much worse can it get? Jesus! The outcome for the flesh is so obvious, the harmonious expression of spirit is what matters.

Menu structure--they act as unified command structures, if you are one of the majority you work with Lotus, WordPerfect, and dBase. So you need a menu structure to get from one package to another. You have to learn more to get things done than if you had all that capability within one command structure--Framework. With dBase as one of the three major packages Framework is an obvious choice for anyone needing to unify the command structure, organize the work experience, make it easier to do more in less time.

The Zen of personal computing has something to do with the Zen of information processing. The best way to understand how you process information with a computer is to understand how you process information with paper and ink. (It's not just paper, you see, it takes the ink too, to make information.)

Information processing skills by Michael J. Miller. Let how you work in electrons determine how you work in paper. Think of information as water when in electrons and ice when in paper and ink.

August 23, 1987 8:50 AM

(((((I don't even know what I'm going to type, yet here I am. I woke up today, and realized the heat was on and the back door was wide open. Winter winds. And frozen ponds, double bladed skates.)))))

I'm watchin' the merry-go-round gon' down, sailin' on an' on. C'est le bon! Sailing on and on ... but can this be the way?

If you choose to contribute, that's up to you. How you choose to contribute, that's up to you, too. For me, I made a choice that doing THIS was worth my time and attention, maybe I was wrong. Maybe. But who's to say? I mean how many people can identify with the joys of keyboarding? Such a few, but surely they can identify when everything comes so fluidly.

My journal comes out the way it does because I spend most of my time listening and only surface to try and capture an idea that takes on shape in my mind.

The Way of Personal Computing means to merge with what is possible to get anywhere, assuming you want to go anywhere, which may or may not be the case.

The important focus on improving your PC skills is to develop the ability to process your own information independently.

August 24, 1987 12:08 PM

August 25, 1987 8:40 AM

I don't know what it is really. I feel so unconnected to anything that will ever make any money. As usual, I have walked or ran into a blind ally and now I'm staring at the walls watching the bill collectors close in. What to do, what to do, anything but sit here and type, yet that is my choice, to sit here and type, keep pouring it out, not working on a story, just letting go of what is inside.

What is inside? Any desire at all? Any ambition? And self confidence? I shake my head, sitting here straight as an arrow, wondering what to do next, where to go, what to do.

You know what? I just don't know what I'm talking about. I hate my self, hate my self indulgence, hate the drive that comes from within to meet some kind of destiny, to make good on some kind of investment that was made in me, that I had no say over really, it was all given to me, and I appreciated it, recognized it, and I've always wanted to make a return on the investment that others made in me. Too much of a brute, too much to expect from a lazy ass like me. Why is it so hard for me to find an involvement that involves enthusiasm?

Things are not OK. They haven't been this bad in a long time, it's almost like memory lane. That haunting panic just below the surface. Does it ever change?Now what? Only cold eyes looking at me, removed from danger, stepping out of the way, leaving me on the playing field alone at my bidding. No opponents, no interest, nothing but here, now, and saying what comes from within. What am I here to say? What am I here to leave? What is worth leaving? Anything? Can a difference really be made? Or do our vanities only fool us into thinking so?

How malleable youth is, and isn't that the reason for limited manifestation of life within one body? Because we get too old and set in our ways, where the next generation comes along and sees life as it needs to be seen for the times they are in, without ever really having it matter how it used to be.

August 26, 1987 7:12 AM

So what's next? Shit I don't know. I guess I'd better go sweep.

August 28, 1987 7:21 AM

Last night, being touched by Stephan's art, where is the pain for me? How childish can I get?

I miss having a computer so badly, I sit here and run self tests on my printer that has no source of input. There is some anger in me, that I would even consider selling it. Why don't I do something that would earn the money I need? Is that the issue?

I feel safe and comfortable in here typing, gives me something to do. Even if I do feel like Jack Nickleson in The Shining where all he does it type meaningless keystrokes. Doesn't seem that I'm that far away from where he was coming from.

August 31, 1987 12:01 PM

(((((I'm not sure I like this picture of a sailing ship on my typewriter.)))))

September 1, 1987 10:50 AM Tuesday

Don't waste time in your efforts, always be aiming at the bull's-eye. If you don't focus your effort it won't happen by its self. Sequence, spinal integrity, routine, morning wake up.

September 2, 1987 8:29 AM

"Just as cold and drunk as I can be ... the liquor tasted good, and the women all were fantasy ... down where the cold wind blows." "So I best be on my way in the early morning rain."

When you want to gain an understanding of something by focusing on one idea, the approaching idea, everything else takes on significance.

(((((Something about the rates of change that we become accustomed to--like speed limits)))))

September 6, 1987 10:38 AM Sunday

Joyful self expression, just like in the comics today, isn't that what life is all about? A concern, a joy, what separates the two?

Why am I this way? Why does the effort of listening become my only interest? What kind of fantasy world do I live in, and when, if ever, will I come out of it? I get so far away from right here. Where is it that I go to? There isn't even any football to take me into distraction.

Media is the heartbeat of humanity.

September 8, 1987 10:35 AM

People live from dream to dream, their imagination is what drives them, lose the imagination, lose the promise of the future and you have lost the human element.

Share what you believe with others.

September 9, 1987 7:53 AM

September 9, 1987

The shape of your body is not necessarily the shape of your mind.

The pope will never be a woman. It's true, because to know what the pope is, is to know that the pope will never be a woman.

Learn the program and you know how to think. Not the other way around where people assume that you have got to think to use the program.

Make the environment teach you. The Greek maxim of "Nothing in excess" especially applies to how seriously you take your health.

Leave paper in the typewriter and thread in the needle.

Reaching for your best posture is not ugly, it is beautiful. It is relaxing, it is food for you, so do it.

September 13, 1987 7:54 PM

Life get's pretty complicated, caring develops complexity.

10:52 PM

Breaking this circle of attention, achieving orbit, ... settling down to writing some serious shit.

Verbs, we communicate to DOS with verbs. Always the verb comes first and the other stuff after.

I need the interrupts Oli, else I burn up. Maybe the body work will help, maybe it will only make it worse.

And so he tossed the ball and the rest is history.

Luxury is having the time and money to tape creatively.

This journal has run my life, if anything has--it has. Your life and your health are like fading balloons, torn from you by the winds of time, a timed event, from here to there, extending in opposite directions at once. I suppose I do hide from involvement, behind intrigue, artifice or other wise. (I'm trying too hard.) So just sit back and listen to the song of jazz on a Sunday night KBCO, and groove, look for that same concentration in sequence in your writing that you work on in Pilates.

And then comes something new to the ears and you wonder at the rhythm of it. The passion of coming, the passion of losing control, the passion of making impossible recoveries. Don't we know it all? Haven't we all been there? Where red is red and white is fright? (No mistakes in typing there)

It is so strange of thinking of introducing two of your friends, afraid of being responsible for the outcome.

September 15, 12:40 PM

When you take a person seriously they take you the same way.

Everything comes back to here, always here, no one else, nothing else, just here--aware. (((((Awareness has to have a parallel direction as though only able to project it forwards, there being no way to alter the past in order to affect the now. The pillars and veil symbology in the tarot.)))))

And now what, there is always more, always more, and then just extending it a bit more, to feel the keys just spit out what comes to mind. A waste of drivel.

Seems pretty funny that I pull out my sweater and wear it tonight. Having my own special little party, with me, my self, and I.

Would it be understatement to say that I was really involved?

Tool oriented versus environment oriented, application versus system.

What do you do when friends start falling through the cracks? Why is it happening? How can I stop it?!

I wouldn't want to permanently steam your windshield.

September 17, 1987 10:28 AM Thursday

Information. Sacred Books. Limited access.

What I lost most from not believing in God was the guidance of a value structure. Welcoming the occasion of sin in order to learn instead of avoiding it, I surround my self with women because they are the greatest delight when it comes to temptation.

(((((Sometimes we often don't know where we're at until after we've been there.)))))

So much is going on. You just can't cover the whole situation with a template. Forget about anything close to a re-calc.

(((And a static sequence, happens quickly for me.))) Why is that? Where is it that I really come from? Being educated means having an appreciation for the classic paradigms of life, and a sense of their evolution into the future.

"Where is GOD in you life? Who is God? Who do you serve? That's the paradox--the self that you live for is the common god throughout all, so to live for your self is to live for the good of mankind. Mankind is the caretaker of God's will.

September 29, 1987 9:37 AM Tuesday

It is dangerous to be too willful. We are God's cushion against his thrust into chaos. Sentient life, harmonious vibrations, lost meanderings in the mind.

Insanity comes from having enough isolation to really listen. Somehow the inherent distractions in life permit it to be. To be or not to be, to exist or not to exist, to will it or not to will it. The frustrations of the will, the reluctance to care, the uncertainty of your best guess. Spock's guesses ... living on the frontier of willful expression. Having your tits done is a very willful expression. So is having money, the freedom of choosing the will.

(((((his denial has been the source of my freedom)))))
The strength of your anchor
The strength of you anger
The wisdom of your choices
The strength of your beliefs

Tied to so much and having to care about so little

People are afraid to write. Not only because they might not know how, but because the predominate belief structure prefers group indictment over personal belief. (Too bad, but the power structure is changing.)

(((((Consciousness goes through the same sequence as adolescence.)))))

(((((It is fun, reaching, grabbing for another sheet of paper only to watch the magic fingers catch a fleeting glimpse of a much bigger being in orbit.)))))mjm 9:08 AM

September 30, 1987 Wednesday

The spectrum of consciousness in orbit.

Applying the dimension of sequence as a restriction of time to the rest of reality?

Is reality governed by sequence? Or does reality (((Consciousness?))) utilize sequence?

(It's tough to get into fiction any further than I already am.)

Your back is never invulnerable!

(((((When I really get to feeling alone enough, that's when I feel like writing. Only then, only when everything out there gets to be so much that you end up talking with yourself just to keep your sanity. Why should I bother talking with you, out loud, here on paper? Publishing an issue sheds a skin.)))))

October 4, 1987 8:09 AM Sunday

I remember looking at Framework on a color screen with Jimmy and looking forward to getting my own system. And remembering what Karen said last night about identifying the challenge before you. That seemed to make a lot of sense.

October 5, 1987 7:37 AM Monday

I don't know what's what any more. It's not like I'm confused, I'm empty, I don't care. Like Wanda said, "It hasn't started getting fun yet." Point is, will it ever?

If not THIS inc. then what is it that I'm about? And what is this ink but some far away dream? Far away inside.

I look inside for answers, and find none. The older I get, the more I see how the course of my life has taken me into deep seas in high winds. What do I hope to accomplish? What do I want to accomplish? Is there anything? Or am I just trying to lead a slow death?

Nothing seems important anymore. My values of diamond have turned to sand. It is as though the life that I wanted has turned out to be the portrait of Dorian Gray. Stories. Maybe my salvation will be in writing stories to illuminate the choices as I have seen them and the results. Something like that anyway. Selling, always selling something, what am I selling? Experience, awareness, discretion?

"Wild things don't grow well in gardens."

"Why" has lost its substance as a question, replaced by "how" and "when."

10:32 PM Monday

No enthusiasm. No care. No more safe sex. If there ever was any to begin with. Why am I so sad? Why have I lost such interest? Nickels and dimes, no self worth, no confirmation of value. No interest in children, no interest in trying to sell my self as something dumber than I am. So what to do, what to do? Write--of course, just keep writing, transmitting into the void.

Tuesday 6:32 PM

Funny how deeply I can feel lost, how deeply I can let it go, no apparent salvation, no apparent light at the end of the tunnel, no current in the stream, until something happens--a re-calc, a new vision of the future which is really only something we conjure up from the miscellaneous detail we select to combine into meaning. But it gets so old, grabbing at straws of hope only to have them blown away in the first puff of wind to come along. Here I am, straight in front of a keyboard, typing, yet not thinking, just dumping, saying so little. Where is the passion? Where is the dream? Who am I? What am I about? I feel spread so thin, with people, with involvements, everything. I guess nothing has changed, I still want to play hermit casting my light.

It comes to the point where it doesn't matter what I say just so long as I sit down and try to capture saying it. I know I'm nuts, but who can help? Who can help me with post esoteric syndrome?

October 10, 1987 10:28 PM Saturday (Laying in front of the fire)

Writing records the internal dialogue. Good or bad, sure or uncertain, whatever is on the inside expands its way into (onto) paper and ink.

Still working at achieving a peace with myself. Being satisfied for who I am, what I am, when I am.

The right one, the right time, and happily ever after. Just fairer than death is all.

Who would I be under other circumstances? Just the same, only under other circumstances.

What I care about is my report from the wilderness, from what lies ahead.

When I just settle down and publish my stuff I'm calm, centered, even happy. I know this. I always come to this. So publish it. Duplicate it and distribute it. The rest will come from harmonic resonance.

I am happy! "Tell my why..."

When you find the ability to reach for an ideal of motion with your body you connect to the purest form of awareness and being.

October 14, 1987 11:43 PM Wednesday

Today I was in pain. I could have died. For me, it would be finished, but for the others, what of the others?

Life is a foolie, you believe it is something you live for you, when really it is something that you live for. For others, for life itself.

When I was in pain today I realized that there is a broad space between living and dying called suffering. Everyone dies, many suffer, few live. Make the most of your opportunities to live.

Pain is something you go through in a daze. You see nothing else, feel nothing else, but the pain.

October 17, 1987 9:21 AM Saturday

Serious pain has done a lot to focus me, a pointed reminder that the bird is on the wing.

October 18, 10:33 PM Sunday

Another day shot with a trip to the emergency room for some intravenous drugs. I missed teaching my class, I missed a session with Victoria, I just missed in general.

(((((more for the sake of more, rather than, denying for the sake of denying)))))

Of course, I need electrons to get into a groove.

October 24, 1987 10:07 AM

What a day! Saturday, Rawhide, and my very own PC here, where I live, and software going on the hard disk, and so much to do.

Prioritize! And get ready for your next job.

October 25, 1987 11:12 AM

Here I sit for the first time, my own machine, watching TV and wanting to be here, in language. Life never eases up, it's always new, always challenging, always forcing you to reassess your life.

And the satisfaction of saving something you know is precious.

October 25, 1987 11:21 AM

A career could never mean as much as participating in family. Family means caring, family means honor, family means slowing way down.

Needing to drink water. Lots of water. And suffering the embarrassment of having your faults exposed. ((But what is a fault? Geographically, a break in the normal spectrum, but not a disruption of the structure of the spectrum.))

October 25, 1987 11:50 AM

Time is off, daylight savings time, needs to be one hour earlier

October 25, 1987 11:51 AM

October 25, 1987 10:52 AM

There, that's better.

October 25, 1987 7:48 PM

I always thought I could handle my feelings in front of anyone. I want to remember that I can not.

October 25, 1987 8:20 PM

Women seek to build futures, men prefer to discover them!

October 28, 1987 8:11 AM

October 28, 1987 8:14 AM

October 28, 1987 8:33 AM

No matter what time you are born into, you are always determined and pressed by your environment.

I was on a mission then, I'm on a mission now. Don't be distracted, press on! Use the amount of money you make directly from what you write as your yardstick.

October 28, 1987 8:58 AM

Men hide from women, afraid of them, because they don't understand them. Not so hard really, (yea right.)

Film really is a joy, carving your existence with light. All for naught, all for naught.

Seeing Dad's Christ medal around his neck made me think about what it means to believe--self sublimation to the will of a greater god.

It's a new level of electrons, sitting here watching TV, inputting with a keyboard as I let TV act as one of the inputs.

October 28, 1987 1:30 PM

October 29, 1987 9:45 AM

Good. Very good to have your own system and feel the environment start loosening up like clay getting soft.

October 30, 1987 7:32 PM

Here we have companies that spent the money for the equipment and still no results, the know-how isn't there, and neither is the time to get it. So what am I doing for them? Do I make a difference? Or am I only training my self for my old age? Will I be able to see or even use a computer?

November 1, 1987 9:51 AM

Recognize the process, look at the evolution of the personal computer user's electron environment. Word processing is exploding into fonts and point sizes. With so much technological capability coming to us at cheaper and cheaper prices, surely it is obvious that the bottleneck to making use of this capability is not with the tools, but with the user.

November 1, 1987 9:58 AM

A computer ties the ability to act to a timeclock.

Adventure means not knowing what is going to happen next. Not knowing that the rats are going to start beating their tails against the cave's wet rock in cadence with the sacrifice of the virgin.

November 2, 1987 10:10 AM

Women hate "the other woman" because they hate facing the fact that anyone else could have any part of the man they want for theirs alone.

November 2, 1987 10:22 AM

Stories of love are stories of caring, usually between people, often part of a family.

November 2, 1987 10:51 AM

It seems that you can only appreciate the differences between two packages like Ventura Publisher and Pagemaker when you understand both of them. Otherwise, all you ever know are the advantages of the one package.

November 2, 1987 10:32 PM

What is it? Why me? Why this way?

November 3, 1987 7:51 AM

When I teach I do it as a way of listening to my self. I have to work at getting it out of me as well as the person who has to work to understand what eventually comes out.

The basis of disk storage is spin. Focus happens from rotation.

November 3, 1987 8:30 AM

As long as you don't become attached you're OK.

Why bother letting someone hold the title when there are only contenders?

November 3, 1987 8:48 AM

The subject is formatting, what does and what doesn't transfer: direct formatting only, from Word into Pagemaker. So far I haven't found a way to move formatting from a document attached to a style sheet into Pagemaker.

November 6, 1987 5:42 PM

Catching your self in the mirror of time, looking over your shoulder at your shadow action.

Make a conscious effort to utilize the keyboard with your fingers. Place your little finger of your right hand on the outside right edge of the keyboard. Now stroke your index finger up and down over the 7 - 4 - 1 - 0 , letting the middle finger cover 8- 5- 2 - 0 and the ring finger covering 9 - 6 - 3 - (.).

Professional football players talk so confidently about how a game is going to come out when the question looms, "Will I even survive past the first play?"

Why is it so easy to lose track of how I want to see my self? That is the confusing thing for me, I am close to so many, each in a different way (all of it cherished) that takes me off center, unsure of how "I" view my self.

Feels so awkward having others read my stuff. Pretty incredible, huh? That I could choose to do this and then do it and be so incredibly smug about it all. Except the occurrence of kidney stones changed all that, like the reaper's tap on your shoulder.

For some people using a computer is a waste of their talent. Let a rose be a rose and a turd a turd.

The canyon community, ever been with one in their own environment? At night? While the cars go by below, I used to think of only getting from one end to the other, let alone calling in between home.

Three carriage returns and it is out of sight, next!

November 7, 1987 6:03 PM

To boldly go where no one has gone before!

So, today I was pumping gas and looked away from the rushing meter at about 6.85 and thought to my self "I've often tried to stop it by a quick release of the grip at a specific dollar amount while looking at it, but never guessing while looking away. I reached for a feeling, felt the need for immediate action and let it go and looked only to find my self laughing--the meter read $9.94. Of course, I asked for a receipt!

"Beamed out, total energy!"
"What with all that has happened, I think I do need a rest, take charge Number 1".

November 11, 1987 7:28 AM

He is having a hard time coping. Too many variables, not enough constants. Can you believe the thoughts you are willing to entertain? And entertain one, and you open the door for a worse one yet. Shut it out. Shut it off. Choose not only who you are but what you think.

All I can do is work at determining my reaction to what is happening, not what might be happening.

November 12, 1987 9:30 AM

November 17, 1987 8:08 AM

"I'll speak with you individually on this matter."

Stuff I write, jeez. Is it anything other than a skinned fish flapping on the floor? Coming across the James Dickey Newsletter--all that effort to understand where a writer is coming from.

November 17, 1987 8:35 AM

Adjusting to being back, leaving in such an unprepared fashion. I find there to be too much out there to be chatter. Not enough in-here listening. The will to live always pulls on the zipper of love.

It is important to see the body as a fire plug of energy that flows out through the body in a spiral. To control the motion of the body you must control the expansion and contraction of the body. Straight lines are only an illusion to the natural arc.

November 17, 1987 10:20 AM

November 17, 1987 10:51 AM

November 17, 1987 11:02 AM

When love can no longer be love, when hate can no longer be hate, long after the tango, inside outside--no loneliness in this dream.

Why? Why? Why?? Why??? (!) Why do I hate living so? Why is a good man so hard to find? To lay down everything and follow him, where? How? Inside, outside.

The equation: survival overrides programming.

Are you happy with old patterns of behavior? Do they still make you feel good? If so continue, but also be tenacious at letting go of detrimental habits. Life is a constant struggle to maintain enough routine in your life to survive without having that routine turn into boredom. Perhaps I miss the point a goal has in lending meaning to the shorter term affairs of life.

(((((Am I here? Am I writing this for real, or because I'm trying? Does work always have to be work because trying is always trying?))))) Look at the professional athlete, is he working because of the money or because of the ability? Isn't it the ability we have that we seek to prosper from? And isn't society's yardstick how well you use your ability? Isn't that my yardstick? How well I use my ability can best be determined by me and only is determined by others if I ignore my ability to choose. Which means ignoring my human-ity.

November 17, 1987 5:55 PM

What you are shooting is attention, who is paying attention to what. Either that or what story do the things in the picture tell? Taking photographs, lighting, under hats, what you light and what you don't as a template for capturing meaning in a negative.

November 18, 1987 7:25 AM

Good morning, Tim, happy birthday! 33 today? I can't even remember when I was 33.

November 18, 1987 9:56 PM

The Boulder Roll

"and you give your self away, and you give, and you give, and you give yourself away"

November 19, 1987 8:44 AM

((..."and you give yourself away,"))

There's something I'm really sad about. My attitude, towards my self, towards my future, towards my involvement with this lifetime.

I'm not sure what it is , only know that it's there, and maybe it's that I have no commitment to any future.

November 19, 1987 8:04 PM

I'm so sad. And don't know why. Or maybe I do, and don't want to face it. Religion, purpose, meaning. Priesthood. I'm sick of it all, fed up, wishing I could leave it all behind me and be somebody, anybody, else. Someone evil, someone plain, anybody that gave up a long time ago who only looks out for sleazy chances at temporary pleasures.

November 21, 1987 10:51

There's so much I leave out, so much music in the conversation, so much that gets lost in the transformation of electrons into paper and ink.

It's funny but it seems we only find existence by extending our selves into reality which means into specifics. Will, pressing its self into specifics. "Getting it to happen."

November 23, 1987 7:29 AM

November 24, 1987

I want the chance to photograph. I want you to think of things that are very far away. See your future happening just the way you want.

The excitement is overwhelming.

So be on your guard.

November 24, 1987 8:20 AM

Good morning! And it is a good morning, I slept well, worked hard yesterday, earned good money, and this morning without anything pressing to do I think I'll update my database in preparation of a mailing to stimulate my business. Sounds like a good idea, huh? I have the equipment to do it so why not be as good as you know you can be? See you later.

November 25, 1987 11:41 AM

Women come on so strong about how the man makes the move so the man takes the responsibility. But where there is involvement there is complicity.

November 26, 1987 11:01 AM

God Bless my parents. They mean so much to me.

November 26, 1987 1:52 PM

I rolled all my spare change today. Took forever, but it sure looks nice piled up in neat rows.

We are all dancers to the tune of life.

We live by stories--stories that we are told, stories that we build in our minds. All as a way of establishing meaning to our actions. When does the assumption of meaning become necessary? When we seek to act with more in mind than the impulse of the moment. When action becomes based upon belief.

November 26, 1987 7:23 PM

To the decision maker: strategies in spending money. How to develop your people's ability to process information, specifically--in electrons.

November 27, 1987 8:31 AM

So now the sun is up, the lights are on, and Ishaik has been farting in the living room.

November 27, 8:51 AM

Who is it that you talk to? Is it your gallery of girls? Or is it that you listen? And what you capture is the conversation that god is continually trying to have with you.

(((((There is so much out-thereness to deal with, pressed so much away from the inner connection, that time is saved for that at Sunday mass just after communion, the ultimate moment of listening to the god within. A whole ceremony geared to the focus of that moment when one connects most clearly to the god within.)))))

Listening, adjusting one's will in reaction to what one hears.

Always listen before you act.
Never act before you listen.


And the music goes on, and on, maybe that's what we fear from death, that the inner dialogue will die and we will be left alone. How could the conversation ever die? How? We are beyond our bodies looking at our selves by the reflection we get from out body. It's like we are all the same person, the same stuff, poured into different bodies, liquid, (((((continuing the enhancement of the spinal cord on one level, the structure of the DNA on another.)))))

There is so much distraction. So easy to get lost in making an integral effort.

("You treat it all as though it were such a complicated puzzle. There is no puzzle! There is only submission to the will of God.)

November 28, 1987 10:40 AM

"Yes folks, sport fucking is the latest craze in Los Angles these days. People who have confirmed cases of AIDS are gathering at specified hotels and socially (but wildly) fucking each others brains out. Hotel management is up in arms, they never know when their hotel will suddenly be filled with these ill-fated thrill seekers calling themselves--sportfuckers."

November 29,1987 8:56 AM

I'm with you a lot of the time, not necessarily talking, but with you, with your attitude about life, about food, about health. A fascinating subject--health, brings one right to the quick of one's flame.

To be a god, to make it happen for others is not the answer. To do it from within, that is the key.

(((Why is it that we all make compromises with our selves about what we have a right to expect from life?))) And this especially comes to light when you look at what we allow and don't allow our selves to expect from relationships. How to deal with the distribution of consciousness across a spectrum that only exists moment to moment. And I keep coming back to you, being in your presence, held in the palm of your hand, safe in so many ways, dangerous in so many others.

November 30, 1987 1:12 PM

Limitations make one self conscious. Why do those who are older and wiser rush to awaken those who are not? Let them sleep.

November 30, 1987 1:23 PM

I sit here and I stare at the keyboard with out my fingers on the keys, and I listen and I wonder "why come here, to the keys, and I smile when I finally remember the answer--I do it for the joy in it. There is joy here, between the keys. And it is in these spaces that I sense you.

("still my beating heart.") Still my beating heart.

November 30, 1987 2:23 PM

At the heart of office systems support is the system of the human. The human system uses tools, either improvised or designed, and it is in affecting the quality of the tools he is using that most benefits the office system by maximizing the use of the system.

November 30, 1987 2:30 PM

I write about enhancing operating systems by developing the awareness of the user. Improve the user's idea of what is possible and how to get it done, and you most directly affect the output.

December 1, 1987 8:51 AM

Some days it's hard to get started. When there's no food in the house, no morning paper, no money making appointment, and clothes need to be washed, carpet needs to be swept, and I still can't break out of listening to STING'S new album over and over. Like it's a mood, or a funk, that has come over me.

The peculiar thing about using PC's in the office environment that I am called to is the primitive level of user interest. Matter of fact they aren't interested, in "how" only "that" it works.

December 1, 1987 11:09 AM

"OK, let's go." By Cary in Destination Tokyo.

A letter from a dead man arrived today. When I found the enclosed negative I got this sinking feeling. It was obviously a person in the negative but not obvious who. What did come quite clearly to mind were the circumstances of the dead man's death--suicide, a jump from a tall building. Suddenly I got scared and turned off the lights, none too soon for the bullet pierced the wall where my head had just been.

December 2, 1987 9:35 AM

Good morning, and I mean that, it does seem like a good morning.

We're here for two reasons: to find joy and help others find theirs.

A person's character is most evident by what they care about. Show a person in the situation of having what they care about threatened and show their reaction.

It's funny having to learn how to cloak your energy so that you don't overwhelm those you come near.

Getting answers is the key to getting results.

December 2, 1987 9:48 AM

The effective utilization of silicon systems is primarily limited by the attitude of the user. Improve the attitude and you dramatically improve utilization.

December 2, 1987 9:52 AM

Attitude, we're back to that, the freedom of the human being is embodied in and limited to the choice of their attitude.

((As though reality is shangra-la.)) mjm871202

Can I remain detached? (Isn't that a certain eventuality?) Still, here I sit, moment to moment, listening to " ...nothing like the sun" by Sting.

December 2, 1987 10:09 AM

Hunger drives me to the kitchen.
(((And I sacrifice my health for the joy of the magic.)))

December 3, 1987 6:31 PM

It is so difficult to maintain integrity in relationships.

I see you there, looking at me, feeling naked in my desire, wondering if the desire is worth the exchange, satisfaction for attachment. mjm871203

December 3, 1987 6:37 PM

December 4, 1987 9:10 AM

If I'm going to get done what I want today I must get going, still here is where I belong, with the cover girls on Royal Silk. With the self that looks back, what do my parents expect when they are the ones that developed such a strong sense of self, they're the ones to blame for this--give a kid a little love and acceptance and look what happens.

T.H.I.S., Inc. is what you can do with a PC. A larger alphabet (), an array of fonts, meaning the way you would express it in paper and ink.

Still, it comes down to principles and standards--the faster you understand the standard the more power you can exert through technology.

The only information that will make money is information that someone wants to hear. Info about money, info about sex,...and fonts.

The more control you have over the appearance of a document the more it focuses on the content.

December 4, 1987 9:36 AM

Some companies can't keep a wizard around so they go without. Why not part time, someone to organize and oversee specific projects that put the equipment to work?

December 5, 1987 6:34 AM

Full moon this morning was beautiful. There's something about waking while it is still dark out and being up and active as the morning breaks.

December 7, 1987 10:23 PM

So much goes on, so little time to share. Glasses and saxophones.

December 7, 1987 11:19 PM

Basic rule of autonomous processing--if you can't do it yourself, don't.

It seems obvious that companies are not going to reduce resolution to implement technology. They will want to reduce cost without losing quality, in fact the expectation is improved quality. So, you have to use the laserjet for set-up and then buy a typesetter.

December 8, 1987 5:59 PM

So much meaty business involvement. Newsletters, the company's internal image at stake. The power of a Macintosh, strategies for implementing the technology get so confusing. The only thing that ends up being obvious is the need for a unified system.

(A system that allows for a user to use his own capabilities in appropriate situations.)

(((Three returns and it's gone.)))

December 8, 1987 6:09 PM

Of course life is more than just a party, but if you lead it as if it were anything else--you miss the point.

December 10, 1987 11:04 PM

"The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her." Spock. So what else is new.

Turpsacore--goddess of dance, one of the furies.

What really does the life of a man represent? Be it lowly or from on high?
A splash of awareness? Or something that is beyond us. Why is it so hard to admit that life is something that is way beyond us, so far in fact that we spend most of our time feeding fuel to the flame of belief?

December 11, 1987 9:27 AM

Taking time out to listen to your story, to listen to the story of reality as it happens to you.

December 11, 1987 9:47 AM

You have to listen a long time before you hear anything worth writing down.

What do you want to do? It is in choosing our response that we have any control.

Funny how the pursuit of the joy in writing has led me into such physical joys--my involvement in body work, my involvement with healthy eating.

Funny how when you want to spend time with someone else how it affects your attitude towards the time you spent with your self.

December 12, 1987 9:04 AM

Headers and footers are more than just buoys in the night.

It is tough, making food such a primary consideration in your life planning.

December 12, 1987 11:57 AM

New management now owned the gym, and her class had been canceled. Artificial endings(((?)))

December 12, 1987 12:03 PM

I'm beginning to think that Framework may turn out to be true north, more than I ever expected, once the needle settles down. Unified command structures.

December 12, 1987 12:05 PM

How long can one hope to maintain the environment and at what level is it necessary to format?

"Mister No Interest for two years."

There is a driving form in each of us, each of our wills has momentum and direction. To an extent we are consciously needed to navigate, but the will of the system ...

Our media deals only with handling the crisis situation, maybe that's just the shows I watch. It sure gets complicated. In the end it is always the same--listen very closely to your feelings and use your mind to develop hope and not fear.

December 12, 1987 12:26 PM

Yea it's true. I do like my isolation.

You have got to reach toward the intelligence that is reaching for you on the screen.

December 12, 1987 10:52 PM

I'm here, where I've always wanted to be, making my dreams come true and enjoying it as it goes in. (Never really focusing on the retraction.) Amazing--what we do to shield our selves from having to face our isolation. The only choice is hope, the only action is defense. And why this ritual of time?

December 13, 1987 11:26 AM

((((The irony to my life is that I try to live it like everyone else(((((life and like--two words we use to express experience))))) to the maximum. Maximize life. Living it to the max. Live it to the max. Well, that takes us to the spectrum of maximum based upon what you consider to be living.

(Which is also its own relative spectrum.))))) ((Let's see, how do I raise this back to the simple?))

December 13, 1987 12:58 PM

From the Dirty Dozen--"Shut up and watch!"

December 13, 1987 1:51 PM

Follow the money, the money is in the moment, the need for an immediate solution. From whatever the level of sophistication when the expectation exceeds ability the essence of value comes in. Time and money. How much for how soon.

December 14, 1987 1:45 PM

We fool our selves so, running around, making do.